Naked Truth
by Blue Teller
Summary: Why does Father always sit on his throne beneath Central? How did Pride become an errand boy? And what's up with the Homunculi regenerating their clothes? Well, here's the story of how it all happened. Pure crack and innocent humor.


_After the Promised Day..._

* * *

"Brother, I've been thinking..."

"What is it, Al?"

"Didn't you say that when you destroyed Pride's Homunculus form, his clothes remained, just like when human transmutation took my body?"

"Yeah, what about it?"

"Then how come when Father disappeared, there weren't any clothes left behind?"

"Uhhh...?"

"He was wearing that loincloth thingy, right? But it was nowhere to be found after the battle."

"Now that I think of it... You're right, it did disappear with him. Weird."

"Brother... Why would the Gate bother to take Father's underwear as well as his body?"

"..."

* * *

 _Before the foundation of Amestris..._

* * *

It's been months since the Dwarf in the Flask - who, seeing as the name was no longer accurate, decided to just call himself Father from now on - had began the creation of his first Homunculus. Its primal form was tiny and fragile, and overall very unsatisfying. Father tried to make up for unintentionally giving it nearsightedness by adding cool shadow powers - with multiple eyes for good measure - but those didn't work very well without a stable container. However, with the hundreds of thousands of human souls within him, Father was able to finally design an array to easily construct a solid human-like container for his first creation.

As the light and mist from the transmutation faded, Father exclaimed:

"Ah-ha! At last, my first "son", my Pride - _literally!_ \- is finished." He laughed triumphally. "Now let's see how you- **aaah!** " Father yelped and stepped back, covering his eyes in terror.

Pride, now in what appeared to be an eight-year-old body, tilted his head in confusion. "Father? Is something wrong?"

" _You're naked!_ " Father screeched, still covering his eyes.

Pride blinked. Twice. "Yes...? What's the problem?" he asked in bewilderment, while using his shadows to cover himself. "Haven't you ever seen a human naked before?"

"As a matter of fact, **NO**!"

Pride processed this information for a long, confusing moment.

"Not even your own body?"

"I'm a Homunculus, I don't need to bathe or use the bathroom!" Father snapped impatiently. "Hohenheim and I may have been friends, but I certainly had no desire to see him without his clothes on!"

The child Homunculus was utterly at loss.

"...But your body looks exactly like Hohenheim's."

"Even more the reason to never take these clothes off!"

"So, you're just going to wear these robes forever?"

Father thought for a moment, then decided: "...Yes."

"But it's fabric." Pride felt the need to point out. "You're immortal. It's not going to last forever. The more you move, the more the fabric gets torn and it's going to rip apart eventually."

"..." Father stared at his son blankly for a long moment.

"...Father?"

"...Well then, it's decided." Father nodded to himself.

"Huh?"

"I'm going to spend most of my time sitting on this chair without any unnecessary movement until the Promised Day comes. From now on, you're going to be my errand boy."

"But-"

"Don't question me. Go get yourself some clothes right now, and don't you dare come back until you're properly dressed."

Pride sweat-dropped. "Yes, Father.

On that day, Father made two important resolutions. First, when he became God, he was going to have indestructible underwear that will permanently obscure those shameful, useless human parts.

Second, all of his future Homunculi would be created with their clothes on. _And_ they would regenerate with them, to make sure they never walk around naked. Who cares if they won't be able to take them off? Surely, they will be grateful for his amazingly considerate foresight.

* * *

Envy couldn't care less - since his true form was a giant, mutilated green lizard.

Greed thankfully got the long side of the stick. After all, he was able to control his clothing alongside with the Ultimate Shield. Besides, black was totally his color - also, the women loved it.

Wrath got off easily. He was already wearing clothes when he was brought onto the operational table.

Gluttony never thought anything of it, since he was too busy being hungry.

Sloth had too much to complain about to ever bring up the issue.

Lust seriously considered murdering Father. Several times.

* * *

 _Back to the present..._

* * *

The Elric brothers stared at each other.

"...You know what Al?" Edward with a strangled voice. "I think this is one of those things we're better off not knowing."

Alphonse nodded solemnly. "Agreed."

* * *

 _Meantime, at the Gate..._

* * *

 **"I will show you... the Truth!"**

"No! _No, please no!_ " The Dwarf in the Flask struggled desperately as the shadow hands dragged him into the Gate for his punishment.

The horror that awaited him there was unimaginable.

 **"Now you can see it with your own eyes!"** Truth cackled in wicked glee. **"This is what naked Van Hohenheim looks like! And you had this body for centuries! Now, you must gaze upon this image for all eternity! Heheheheh!"**

" _NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-!_ "

The End.

* * *

 **Author's Note:**

 **Heheheh! Naked people humor! ...Come on, like the manga Omake didn't do that all the time! ;P**

 **But seriously, I got this idea when I was watching episode 19 of Brotherood. I was thinking: "Wow, good thing Lust regenerates with her clothes on! Otherwise with the amount of times Mustang incinerated her we'd be seeing her... naked... a... lot... _waaait a minute!_ How come she regenerates with clothes on?! It makes no sense!"**

 **Then I noticed that Pride, the first Homunculus, is literally the only one who needs human clothes. (Aside from Wrath and second Greed, but they were based on real humans, so they don't count.) And I was like: "What, does that mean Father only created _one_ Homunculus naked and the rest got bonus emo clothing?"**

 **And then, I noticed that Father never got rid of the robe he got from the king of Xerxes. Which means he's been literally wearing it non-stop for over four hundred years.**

 **Coincidence? *raises finger dramatically* I think NOT!**

 **Thank you for reading, please review and favorite but most importantly - read on and enjoy! :)**


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